#HEYGRRRLFRENNNS not everything we call self-care is actually taking care of us. Some of it is survival mode dressed up in a matching set. Some of it is coping mechanisms we never questioned because they helped us get through tough seasons. And honestly? No shade. Survival is sacred. If something kept you afloat when everything felt heavy, that is valid. But as we heal, grow, and try to build lives rooted in more than just getting by, it is worth asking—what is actually serving me now, and what am I just used to? Coping skills, but make it cute! During Mental Health Awareness Month, it feels especially important to talk about the difference between true self-care and survival-mode habits that look polished but leave us feeling drained. Not because we need to shame ourselves for how we got through the hard stuff, but because we deserve to move beyond coping into thriving. We deserve practices that refill us, not just distract us. This blog post is not about villainizing coping mechanisms. It is about getting curious. It is about learning to notice when something that once helped is now holding us back. It is about recognizing when self-soothing habits need to evolve into self-supporting ones.

This blog post is for the grrrls who have been doing what they needed to survive, but are ready for something softer, something deeper, something more sustainable. It is for the ones who are starting to realize that not every “treat yourself” moment actually feels nourishing. It is for the ones who are tired of confusing numbing out with true restoration. Retail therapy is fun until the packages arrive, and you are still tired. Charge it! We are not taught to prioritize our mental health in real, meaningful ways. Especially as Black grrrls, we are often handed survival skills and told to make it work. Grind harder. Keep your head down. Be grateful you are surviving at all. And while those strategies might have gotten us through certain chapters, they are not the blueprint for building a life rooted in joy, ease, and full-bodied wellness. This week on the blog, we are getting into the difference between surviving and actually caring for ourselves. We are unpacking the coping habits that sneakily drain us, naming what true self-care looks like beyond the aesthetics, and giving ourselves permission to update our practices as we heal. Because you deserve more than survival. You deserve care that feels like care.

Coping Isn’t a Crime

Let’s be clear, coping mechanisms are not bad. They are how we survive hard things when we do not have access to better tools yet. They are how we self-soothe when life feels overwhelming. They are how we create moments of control when everything else feels out of reach. If binge-watching a show, taking a random shopping trip, or zoning out on social media helped you get through a heavy season, that was care in its own way. Shout out Netflix! But here is where it gets tricky. Coping mechanisms are designed to help us endure, not necessarily to help us heal. They are short-term solutions that make hard things feel lighter for a moment. And while there is nothing wrong with that, the problem comes when we start mistaking temporary relief for long-term restoration. For example, a glass of wine after a stressful day might take the edge off. But if every stressful day requires a drink to be bearable, that is not self-care it is survival mode. Buying yourself something nice can feel like a reward. But if spending money becomes the only thing that gives you a sense of control, it might be time to check in with what is really going on underneath. The goal is not to shame ourselves for the ways we have survived. The goal is to notice when our survival skills need an update. Sometimes what once felt supportive starts feeling heavy. Sometimes what once helped us cope starts creating more stress, more anxiety, more disconnection. That is not a failure. It is an invitation to evolve. Self-care is not about denying yourself comfort. It is about building habits that actually refill your cup, not just distract you from how empty it feels. And the first step toward that is getting honest about what you are reaching for, and whether it is still serving you.

Self-Care Is Not Always Cute

There is a reason why true self-care does not always get the same hype as coping mechanisms. Real self-care can be boring, uncomfortable, or inconvenient. It looks like going to bed on time even when you would rather scroll for hours. It looks like setting limits with people who drain you. Coping mechanisms are often about escaping the moment. Self-care is about tending to the moment. It asks you to slow down and listen instead of numb out. It asks you to stay present with yourself even when it is uncomfortable. And it asks you to think about your future self, not just your immediate comfort. That is why it feels harder. That is why it is easier to call anything self-care if it gives temporary relief. Especially for Black grrrls, real self-care is radical because it goes against everything we were taught about endurance. We were taught to push through, to perform strength, to be grateful for scraps. Choosing to actually nurture yourself, to get serious about your needs, your rest, your peace, is disruptive. It challenges the systems that benefit from you being tired, compliant, and disconnected from yourself. True self-care is not about building a brand around healing. It is about building a life where you are not constantly in recovery mode. It is choosing habits that leave you feeling more like yourself, not less. It is listening when your body says slow down. It is honoring when your spirit says no more. And it is forgiving yourself when survival mode sneaks back in, because healing is not linear. Self-care is not a reward for when everything is perfect. It is how you sustain yourself while things are still messy. And you deserve care that actually cares for you.

Making The Switch

The shift from coping to true self-care is not always a dramatic moment. Most of the time, it looks like small, almost invisible choices you make for yourself day after day. Choosing a walk instead of a doom scroll. Choosing a journal instead of a third coffee. Choosing a deep breath instead of a self-dragging spiral. Real progress over performance! The important thing is not to frame coping as bad and self-care as good. It is to get honest about what you actually need. Sometimes you need a little escapism. Sometimes you need a little comfort food and a long nap. And sometimes you need to dig deeper and ask what would actually nourish you, even if it is not the easiest or fastest option. Self-care is not one-size-fits-all. What looks like a coping mechanism in one season might become true care in another, and vice versa. It is about being in conversation with yourself. It is about asking real questions instead of autopiloting through your habits. What makes you feel grounded instead of distracted? What leaves you feeling full instead of temporarily numbed out? What brings you closer to yourself instead of pulling you further away? Those answers might shift over time. That is part of the work. You do not have to get it perfect. You do not have to audit every decision you make for hidden motives. You just have to keep coming back to yourself with honesty and care. You just have to stay willing to adjust when you notice something is no longer working. Survival skills got you here. You should be proud of that. But you deserve to live beyond survival. You deserve self-care that feels like freedom, not just maintenance. And you are allowed to grow out of what once kept you afloat.

You deserve care that holds you, not just habits that help you pass the time. You deserve practices that nourish you, not just patterns that numb the pain for a few hours. You deserve rituals that refill your spirit, not routines that leave you more tired than when you started. Recognizing the difference between coping and true care is not about shaming how you survived. It is about honoring yourself enough to ask for more. More rest. More presence. More softness. More support. Healing is not about perfection. It is about learning to choose yourself a little more honestly every day. You do not have to abandon every coping mechanism overnight. You do not have to become the poster child for wellness by next week. You just have to keep coming back to the question—does this move me closer to who I am becoming, or am I just trying to get through the day? Both answers are valid. But when you know the difference, you give yourself real power. This Mental Health Awareness Month, let it be about more than survival. Let it be about building a life that actually feels good to live. One choice, one check-in, one moment of honesty at a time. Now go and be great you lil grrrly pop! TTYL!!