#HEYGRRRLFRENNNS okay, let’s talk about it. Sex. Not the awkward, whispered-about version that made health class feel like punishment. I’m talking real, grown, honest conversations. Because if we’re keeping it real, most of us didn’t get the full story. We got weird warnings, mixed messages, or silence. And if you’re a Black grrrl, there’s a good chance you were either warned to stay far away from it or made to feel like it was something people saw in you before you even had a chance to define it for yourself. Either way, a lot of us never got the chance to understand sex as something that could actually feel good, safe, or centered on us. Somewhere along the way, sex became something you do to meet expectations, not to meet yourself. It turned into a performance. A task. A vibe check you hoped to pass whether or not it felt good to you. Add in respectability politics, religious guilt, media lies, and hypersexualization, and whew—there’s a lot to unlearn. The math is NOT mathing! But here’s the thing. We are grown. Grown enough to start asking better questions. Grown enough to decide what we want this part of our lives to look like. Grown enough to let go of what never served us and replace it with curiosity, clarity, and yes, actual pleasure.

We are not rewriting the whole script overnight, but we are giving ourselves permission to start over with better tools. Because being grown and sexy is not just about lingerie and dim lighting—it’s about feeling safe in your own body, being able to communicate what you like and don’t like, and most of all, knowing that your pleasure matters. Ground breaking, I know. You deserve more than confusion or vibes based on what somebody else wants. You deserve clarity, safety, and a sense of ownership over your sexual experiences. This is not about being an expert or having it all figured out. It is about learning yourself in real time. It is about asking, “What feels good to me?” and not flinching when the answer doesn’t match what you have been told. This is about unlearning shame, unlearning pressure, unlearning the idea that sex is something that happens to you instead of something you are actively choosing. Whether you are having sex, thinking about it, not into it right now, or somewhere in between, there is room for you in this conversation.

Intro to Sex Ed

Let’s start by asking the real question—where did most of us actually learn about sex? Because it definitely wasn’t from a place that centered our agency, our pleasure, or even our safety. For a lot of us, sex education came in the form of warnings, scare tactics, or just silence. If you’re a Black grrrl, you probably got the message early on that your body was something to be protected, controlled, or hidden—not explored, celebrated, or fully understood. And let’s not act like mainstream sex ed filled in the gaps. Most school systems were more focused on telling us not to get pregnant or catch something than helping us understand consent, intimacy, or even how to communicate what we want. Yasss grrrl, give us nothing! And because we didn’t learn about sex in a healthy, grounded way, a lot of us went out into the world unprepared—relying on friends, social media, or trial and error to make sense of it all. That might work for some things, but not when it comes to something as personal and powerful as your body. Nobody ever said, “Hey, your pleasure matters too.” Or “Hey, it’s okay to not be ready.” Or even, “Hey, sex isn’t something you owe anyone.” And so instead of approaching sex with curiosity and care, many of us carried fear, guilt, and confusion into experiences that were supposed to be about connection. And this is not just about what we were or weren’t taught. It’s about the systems that shaped the way we’ve been conditioned to think about our bodies. From media that oversexualizes us, to religious messaging that shames us, to family dynamics that avoid the topic altogether, there’s a lot working against our ability to feel confident and informed. So if you feel like you’re late to the party when it comes to unlearning or reclaiming your sexual identity—you’re not. You’re actually right on time.

It’s All About You

One of the biggest myths so many of us are still trying to shake is that sex is something you give. Like it’s a favor. A reward. Something that happens to you instead of something you’re actively choosing to participate in. That mindset takes the focus off of you and puts all the pressure on meeting someone else’s expectations. And when you grow up believing that your job is to perform, to please, or to go along with what’s expected, it’s easy to disconnect from your own wants, needs, and comfort. Been there, done that! Reclaiming your sexual agency starts with shifting the focus back to you. What do you like? What feels good? What does not? What boundaries make you feel safe? If your answers aren’t fully formed yet, that’s okay—getting to know your body is not a one-and-done situation. It’s a process, and it deserves just as much attention as anything else in your self-care routine. There’s nothing immature or shameful about asking questions, speaking up during sex, or even pausing to check in with yourself. That’s not being difficult. That’s being in control. And let’s be real—saying yes out of pressure is not the same as giving enthusiastic consent. You don’t owe anyone your body, your energy, or your time just because you’re vibing or they’re “nice.” Being into someone doesn’t cancel out your right to take your time. Being curious doesn’t mean you’re required to go through with anything. You get to choose, full stop. And the more you trust yourself to speak up and slow down when you need to, the more confident and empowered you’ll feel when you decide to say yes.

Not A Know It All?

Let’s just go ahead and say it—being grown does not automatically mean you know what you are doing when it comes to sex. A lot of us are still figuring it out in real time, and that is perfectly normal. What matters most is being honest with yourself about where you are and what you need. Because being grown and sexy is not just about the aesthetic. It is about being emotionally mature enough to advocate for your needs, physically aware enough to understand your limits, and self-assured enough to admit when something is not working. No! More! FAKING IT! This is your reminder that sexual liberation does not have a fixed look. It is not just about body confidence or how many partners you have. It is about how connected you feel to yourself and how much power you hold in your decisions. Some people are exploring everything right now. Some are not having sex at all. Some are revisiting things they thought they liked and realizing they don’t. All of that is valid. Your sexuality does not have to be linear, loud, or even public. It just has to be yours. Part of being grown is also understanding that things like consent, safety, and pleasure need to be ongoing conversations. Not just between you and someone else—but with yourself too. Check in. Ask yourself what’s working. Let your preferences change. Let your understanding evolve. The more grace you give yourself in this process, the easier it is to unlearn the pressure to have it all figured out. There is no timeline. No test to pass. No approval you need. Just you, learning more about what feels good, what feels safe, and what feels right for you.

Sex is not supposed to be confusing, performative, or something you just tolerate. It is not supposed to be rooted in guilt, fear, or silence. It is supposed to be something that you get to define, on your terms, in your own time. And if nobody ever told you this before, let me say it now: your pleasure matters. Your boundaries matter. Your voice matters. You do not have to carry the stories or expectations other people placed on you. You are allowed to let those go and start fresh with something that actually feels aligned. Being grown and sexy is not about performing for anyone else. It is about showing up for yourself. It is about unlearning everything that made you feel disconnected from your body and giving yourself permission to explore, feel good, and prioritize your own experience. Whether you are figuring it out for the first time or coming back to yourself after years of carrying shame, you are doing exactly what you need to do. There is no behind. There is only forward. Now go and be great, you lil grrrly pop! TTYL!