HEY GRRRLFREEEENNNN! Ugh, I missed you soo much! I know it’s only been a week, but we literally have soo much to catch up on. So grab a little snacky, your bev of choice, and tell everybody to literally leave you alone for the next ten minutes because we have some serious grrrltalk to get into! Now that you are finally comfortable, let’s throw it back about idk… twenty or so years and time travel back to our diaper days. When we were all little baby grrrls, we were taught the golden rule “Do unto others as you wish others would do to you,” but now I’m proposing an update: THOU SHALT NOT BE A DOOR MAT! I’m sorry for raising my voice but I am very passionate about this topic, and I’m contractually obligated by Grrrl Get Real Incorporated not to let Women’s History Month fly by without discussing the “good grrrl” propaganda to pushover pipeline. That’s right grrrls, it’s about to get radical up in heeeerrrre.

People-pleasing refers to a behavioral tendency where individuals go to great lengths to seek approval, acceptance, and validation from others. This pattern of behavior can be detrimental to your own self-growth because if you identify as a people pleaser, you are most likely prioritizing the needs and desires of others over your own to an excessive and unhealthy extent. I don’t know exactly where or when the good grrrl agenda started, but if I had to take a guess, I would say three frogs stirring a magic cauldron filled with patriarchy potions in an attempt to stop all things grrrl powered. Toad-ally LAME! As funny as that sounds, there are actually people who want women to feel afraid to be anything other than submissive and agreeable objects and that is nothing to laugh about. If no one has ever told you before, let me be the first to tell you that your worth is not equivalent to how other people feel or think about you, you are much more than that. If your people pleasing card is one stamp away from getting a free smoothie, I’ve got a few tips on how to stop putting other people’s pleasure before your own.

Pushing The Boundaries

Learning how to exercise boundary setting is a good grrrl’s best friend! The first thing I would like to say to you is don’t be hard on yourself for not knowing how to exercise setting strong boundaries to begin with. If you think about it, we were probably programmed to be polite before we were taught how to say no. Speaking from my personal experience, you mainly form boundaries in two different ways. The first is pretty obvious and a lot less painful. In this scenario, you’ve already identified your needs, values, and limits and understand what is important to you and where you need to establish boundaries. Think personal space, common courtesy, and respectful communication. Setting limits on boundaries is unique to the individual, for instance not everyone has the requirements for personal space, but I think we can all agree that we all want to be treated with human decency. 

The second way to form boundaries is by having someone cross them. When someone crosses a boundary that you didn’t know you had or treats you poorly because you didn’t have a boundary in place, you can use this information to your advantage to create stronger boundaries for the next time because people can only treat you how you allow. Once you uncover and communicate your boundaries, stand firm in them! Remember grrrls, being around you is a privilege, and anyone that can’t respect the rules that come with that doesn’t deserve to know you. POINT BLANK PERIODT, POOH! Learning how to clearly communicate your boundaries as you discover them and trying your best to do so in a timely manner can save you from a lot of cringe-worthy moments, heartache, and negative people trying to dim your light.

Just Say No

Ugh, learning how to say no is sooo much easier said than done, but it is such an important lesson if you are naturally giving grrrl! If being kind and charitable is your authentic personality, I’m not suggesting that you completely change who you are, but if you feel like your kindness is constantly being taken for granted, it might be time to crank up your meanness level from sugar cookie to Duolingo. Seriously, that owl is ruthless! There are a million bajillion reasons why saying no can be hard. Maybe you were never taught how to successfully say no without feeling like a jerk, or maybe you’re afraid of confrontation, or maybe you don’t want to feel like you are disappointing the people you care about. I get it grrrl, trust me. I’ve won several olympic gold medals for bending over backward for undeserving people. Something that has helped me navigate the pressure of having to be agreeable is the phrase, “I’ll think about it!”. The way my anxiety is set up, if I feel too much pressure in the moment to give an answer, I’ll just agree to get out of the hot seat quicker. The response, “I’ll think about it.”, relieves some of that pressure and gives me more time to think about if I actually want to do something out of the kindness of my heart or if I am just people pleasing.

What’s Your Motive?

I learned quickly the easiest way to make fast friends was to be super duper nice. This is an extremely slippery slope with very dangerous consequences. Not only was I starting to use their acceptance as a measure of my own worth, but now they were basically expecting me to remain a permanent pushover. Unfortunately, people don’t always have your best interest in mind, and not everyone deserves your kindness. If you are a people pleaser, it is likely that you will experience relationships with people who will like you for what you can do for them more than who you are as a person. The best way to make sure that you are not in an extractive relationship is to understand your motive for being nice. For example, if pastries are your passion, then as long as you truly want to, bake people cakes as fast as you can! But if you are making desserts because you think it will make your on-again, off-again muffin man a little sweeter, then drop the oven mitts immediately. He doesn’t deserve your patty cakes grrrl!

Writing this was surprisingly… a little emotional grrrls! If there is anything that I wish my past self could’ve read sooner, it is this blog post. I had the immense privilege of being raised to be kind and to do all things with love, and I acknowledge that not everyone is afforded that opportunity. I recognize that I have been placed in a lot of situations with a lot of people who have actively tried to take advantage of my naivety and my natural inclination to be thoughtful. If you can resonate with this message, I want you to know that it is important to try your best to heal and use these experiences as lessons. You deserve to be treated with respect always, and you do not have to earn human decency. I love you so much, and I hope that I am helping you in the same way that connecting with you all helps me. Now go and be great! TTYL grrrlies!!