HEY GRRRLFREEEENNNN! This is the last week of the SECOND MONTH of restarting our radical self care journey together!!! I would literally do a cartwheel right now if I knew how to! I am so thankful for all of you grrrls, because our connection means the world to me. Not only is this a milestone for reaching our second month of radical self care, but it is also the last few days of Women’s History Month. Don’t worry though, we will still be kicking our grrrl power into high gear and creating more radical content together for the rest of our lives! I wanted to do something special for the grrrlies this week and celebrate our many milestones with a bang, or at least discussing one. I had the immense privilege to conduct a Q&A interview with Dr. Jennifer Pollitt, an esteemed sexuality educator, researcher, and activist, and ask her all of your burning questions about sex! Dr. J has developed a comprehensive sexuality education curriculum and is currently an instructor at Temple University in Philadelphia, PA. I’m excited to share our resident sexpert’s answers on sexual and erotic agency! We’re gonna start with five in depth interview questions and then move into the lightening round for the quick questions all the grrrlies need answered! Y’all ready for this??

Q: What role does Sex-Ed play in radical self-care?

A: When people think of sex ed, they often think of putting condoms on bananas or think of pregnancy prevention. When I talk about sex ed, I mean sex ed that is not only those things, but also comprehensive, intersectional, LGBT inclusive, trauma-informed, healing and pleasure centered, anti-violent, anti-ableist, and anti-racist. It’s all these things. Comprehensive sexual health education includes consent education, bodily autonomy, and the centering of pleasure. If you understand how your body works, then you at least have language if something’s not working how you want it to. Sexual health education, when it’s done well, helps people be able to answer yes to the following questions: Am I normal? Am I lovable? Am I worthy? Am I enough? And am I safe? Those are the five magic questions. So often, we are told that there is something about our sexuality that makes us different, that excludes us from love and connection; and teaches us that we’re not enough. And so, we are constantly encouraged to try this new thing or buy this new thing or fix this thing about us that was never broken to begin with. Sexuality education helps folks feel safer, less ashamed, more worthy, more loveable and more deserving of pleasure.

Q: How do I have good sex?

A: The biggest pro tip is the more you try to have an orgasm, the less likely you’re going to probably have one. If you’re having goal-oriented sex, you are rarely going to kick the ball into the goal. Instead, what sex therapists and sex educators recommend is to go in wanting to be curious and explore pleasure in a bunch of different ways. When we start thinking, “All right, I want to have an orgasm! I want to have an orgasm! I’m going to have an orgasm!” that can distract us from centering the sensations in the parts of our bodies that would produce that orgasm. This is where listening to your body becomes so important. Focus on the sensations that are being created in your body and that you’re creating in your partner. Let your partner’s pleasure and your pleasure be a nice big loop. So, the more they get turned on, the more you get turned on, the more you get turned on, the more they get turned on, right? And then it’s just this fiery, breathy, love storm! Also, recognize that if you don’t have an orgasm every time, it doesn’t mean that you’re broken or that sex can’t be satisfying without orgasms. Where is my crocheted clitoris? I think it’s over here… Hold on one second. I think it might be at my house… Anyway, you know, the clitoral complex is much, much larger than just that little button that we see on the external genitals. The internal clitoris has just as much erectile tissue as a penis. Explore your own body, so you’ll be able to guide your partner to how you like to be touched, licked, penetrated, or not penetrated, whether you wanna use a vibrator or a toy, or whatever kind of lube you like!

Q: How do I tell my partner if I’m unsatisfied?

A: That’s a great question! It’s never a bad time to talk about the good stuff, the stuff that’s going right. You can talk about that before, during, or afterward. All that positive reinforcement is wonderful and typically less awkward. It can be more awkward if something’s like, gosh, this was lovely in a bunch of ways, but it’s just not getting me where I need to be or where I want to be. Reassuring and reaffirming to your partner that you care about them and the reason that you want to talk about both of your sexual wants and needs is that you are invested in that person and relationship. I would start by saying all the things that are working really well and then lead into the things that aren’t totally working for you. You can say, again, positive reinforcement, “I really love it when you do this, it feels so good to me!” or “I get so turned on when you do this!” to lead them in the right direction, but if the person hasn’t done any of the things that are necessarily making your heart go pitter patter you can say, “Oh my gosh! You know, I was watching this movie, saw this thing on TikTok, or read this book, and it got me so hot because they were doing X, Y, and Z. I’d love to try that!” So not framing it as you’re not meeting my needs, or I’m unsatisfied overall, but instead bringing it up as, “This is something that I want us to be able to look for together or something that I’m curious about, or that really turns me on, and I would like to share that experience with you.” Remember grrrls, a partner who cares about you will want to be in it together and make sure your needs are met too.

Q: How do I stop comparing my sexual journey to everyone else’s?

A: I was the late bloomer of my group, and I felt really behind. I felt a sense of urgency where I was just rushing to have these experiences, which I wasn’t totally ready for, because I felt like I had to match someone else’s timeline, but it wasn’t mine. And in those experiences, they felt rushed, and I felt awkward. When I took time to slow down and think about what experiences I wanted to have, regardless of what other people were doing, that’s when I really started to explore, ask myself questions and begin to really see my sexuality and sense of myself flourish in a lot more ways. Not everyone around you is having as much sex as you think that they are. In our culture, we are conditioned not to be nice to our bodies or not be kind to ourselves. Something really powerful for me that I tell all of my students and anyone that I meet is to let your body be your guide. It will help you when you’re feeling anxious or uncomfortable so that you can move towards the things that bring you pleasure and joy and move away from the things that don’t.

Q: What advice would you give to your younger self?

A: Your pleasure matters, and you don’t owe anyone anything. It took me years to recognize that my pleasure was important, really important. When I was younger, especially when I was first learning to navigate sexual relationships, even if I wasn’t getting my needs met, or experiencing pleasure, I felt like I had to minimize my needs and be polite about it. I had to practice the skill of reminding myself that I didn’t owe this person my body. That I didn’t have to sacrifice my pleasure for theirs. What I’ve found is that most people are like, “Oh yeah, cool, right, you don’t owe me anything because I also don’t want to have sex with you if you think that this is something that you owe me. That doesn’t feel great for me either.” So, center your own pleasure – your pleasure matters! You can totally opt out if you’re not interested or opt back in later, but you don’t owe anyone your body at the expense of your own pleasure.

Quick Answer Questions

Q: Is foreplay necessary?
A: YES! It can vary in length, type, and duration. Most people, regardless of what genitals they have, need foreplay. Foreplay is NOT negotiable.

Q: Does body count matter?
A: NO! It is completely socially constructed and part of purity culture. People should not judge anyone based on the number of people that they’ve had sex with.

Q: Should I compare myself to the porn my partner watches?
A: Oh, no! That’s like you playing football and thinking, “Oh my gosh, now I’ve got to go try out for the NFL!” Porn actors are practicing a performance, and that’s not often how real sex works. Also, the type of porn that someone watches does not always indicate the type of sex that they want to have or the type of sex that they find most fulfilling.

Q: How long does sex last on average?
A: On average, penetrative sex lasts between 7 and 10 minutes, though it can be shorter or longer depending on the person. Whether penetrative or non-penetrative, sex can last as short or as long as folks like, as long as everyone feels good. Listen to your body. If you need to take a break, get a snack, regroup, and then come back to it!

Q: Can you be bad at sex?
A: I would say that no one’s bad at sex. It’s just a matter of communication, compatibility, and being invested in your partner’s sexual experience. 

Dr J. says that comprehensive sexual education is a “womb to tomb” experience because our bodies are always changing. Our sexual needs are always changing. Our desires, our wants, and even our relationships are always changing. The more that you practice conversations about consent, bodily autonomy, and sexual agency before you have sex in non-sexual situations, the more likely you are to feel comfortable having those same conversations when you do become sexually active. If you are looking for more inclusive sex-ed information, she suggests searching websites like Advocates for Youth, Scarleteen, and Planned Parenthood. Grrrls, you are in complete control of your lives, your minds, and your bodies. Your radical self-care journey is a completely unique and all encompassing experience that includes feeling empowered and free to explore yourself sexually as well as physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Do what makes you feel happy, whole, healthy, and safe, and remember to have fun along the way! Now go and be great, you lil grrrly pop! TTYL!